First Impressions: “Is This a Beta or a Bad Joke?”
When Firaxis said Civ VII was in “Expanded Access,” players thought they meant “polished gem.” Turns out, it’s more like “alpha build held together by duct tape and prayers.” Leaked gameplay shows:
- Graphics: A downgrade from Civ VI that makes SimCity 2000 look next-gen.
- AI Diplomacy: Gandhi’s back… to declare war over one piece of coal. “Nuke happy” doesn’t begin to cover it. 💥
- Bugs: Units teleporting, textures melting, and crashes so frequent they’re basically a gameplay feature.
Player Reactions:
- “I asked for One More Turn, not One More Crash.”
- “My GPU is writing a suicide note.”
The “New” Civ Experience: Bold Choices or Brain Damage?
Firaxis promised “revolutionary changes.” They delivered chaos:
- Hexagons Are Dead: Now it’s “dynamic polygons” that look like a toddler’s crayon drawing.
- Leaders? More Like Memes: Cleopatra’s got TikTok influencer energy, and Caesar’s quoting “Et tu, Brute?” in Gen Z slang. “Ave, fam!” 🏛️
- Tech Tree? More Like Tech Shrub: Research “Fire” after “Quantum Computing.” Makes as much sense as Elon’s Twitter feed.
Fans: “Who greenlit this? A drunk intern?”
Multiplayer Mode: A Clown Fiesta of Despair
Tried to play with friends? Here’s the ”fun”:
- Desyncs: Every 10 minutes. “My archer’s in 2050, yours is still in the Stone Age.”
- Balance Issues: Spearmen beating tanks because “history is just vibes, bro.”
- Chat Spam: “GILGAMESH STOP STEALING MY WHEAT” x1000.
Pro Tip: Play solo. At least your only enemy is the AI… and your sanity.
Mod Support: The Only Hope (If It Works)
Firaxis bragged about “next-gen mod tools.” Reality check:
- Workshop Integration: Bugged. Upload a mod, crash the client. “It’s a feature!” – Firaxis, probably.
- Asset Flips: The first mods are just Civ VI leaders photoshopped onto raccoons. 🦝
- Community Response: “We’ll fix your game for free. You’re welcome.”
Firaxis’ PR Spin: Gaslighting 101
When players demanded answers, Firaxis dropped this gem:
“Early Access is about growth! Embrace the journey!”
Translation: “We released a half-baked potato and called it poutine. Bon appétit!”
Fan Retort: “Journey? More like forced march through the Sahara with a leaky canteen.”
Memes That Summon the Apocalypse
The internet, as always, delivered:
- Pic 1: Civ VII crash screen vs. Blue Screen of Death. Caption: “Twins!”
- Pic 2: Gandhi holding a nuke labeled “My Review.”
- Viral Clip: A player’s city renamed “PleaseWorkville” before crashing.
Should You “Playtest” This Trainwreck?
Yes if:
- You enjoy pain.
- You’re a masochist with a 4090 toaster.
- You need to flex “I suffered first” gamer cred.
No if:
- You value your time, sanity, or hardware.
- You remember Civ VI’s launch wasn’t this bad (and that’s saying something).
Final Take: Civilization VII or Caveman Simulator 2024?
Firaxis had one job – don’t ruin a 30-year legacy. Instead, they built a monument to hubris. Civ VII in its current state? More like “Civ: Rome if Caesar tripped on his toga.”
#CivFlop #OneMoreCrash #FiraxisPls
